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REASONS TO BUY A DOG...instead of getting married

 

 


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him, and never say its not quite as good as his mother's 

.... Then buy a dog. 


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...... 


.... Then buy a dog. 


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies 


.... Then buy a dog. 


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to  warm your feet and who you can push off if he snores 


..... Then buy a dog!


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . .


.... Then buy a dog.
 

 


BUT, on the other hand . . ... 

If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . ..
 



.... Then buy a cat! 

 


Now be honest, you thought I was gonna' say... Marry a man, didn't you?

DOGGY QUOTES

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous


Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

-Ann Landers


There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Josh Billings



The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andy Rooney


We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

-M. Acklam


Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.

-Sigmund Freud


A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley


Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

-Franklin P. Jones


If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

-James Thurber


If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

-Unknown


Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

-Anne Tyler


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-Robert A. Heinlein



If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain


You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

- Dave Barry


Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras


If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret


My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

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 How many dogs does it take to......

These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

******************************************************************************************************
Excerpts from a dog’s diary

8:00 am – Dog food!    My favourite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride!   My favourite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park!   My favourite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted!   My favourite thing!

1:00 pm – Played in the yard!    My favourite thing!

5:00 pm – Dinner!     My favourite thing!

7:00 pm – Got to play ball!     My favourite thing!

8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people!    My favourite thing!

11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed!     My favourite thing!

****************************************************************************************************

  A  Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper, but he agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started  eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes  outside to the kennel and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"    

**********************************************************************************************************                                                                                     

Doggy Dictionary

 

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

 THUNDER:  This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

Author unknown, but we took it from members.tripod.com

 

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